it’s been hard trying to just move on and get everything back to normal, but in all honesty things will never be the same again. granted it’s only been just over two weeks, but it’s hard to move on when the person that gave me life and made me who i am today has moved on to a better place. but that is why i am not distraught or under deep depression, because i know that he is in a better place. he sits amongst the buddhas in the purelands, and has ended all his suffering from this impermanent world. but despite knowing this its hard to know that he won’t be there when i come home to visit, he won’t be there sitting drinking tea every morning right after watering all the plants. it’ll be difficult coming home without hearing him ask if i ate anything yet…a question he asked even on his hospital bed when i flew down there for his last day. i wil miss our randoms talks at night when i come home. he cared endless and selflessly even until his last breath.
throughout the last day my dad cared nothing more than for all his children to know their faith, so that they have a path to follow. he didn’t care about anything he owned, anything he was going to leave behind, he only cared about the well-being of his children and his family. i truly believed he knew when he was going to leave his, because he asked for the time throughout the entire day, and he waited until the entire family was with him so he could make his final wish. he didnt tell us what he wanted for his arrangements, or how we should split the will or what we should do with the shop…his last words were to follow the buddha, and to let everything in life go and just follow buddha, because that is how you will truly end your suffering and go to the purelands of the buddha. he gave all of us mala prayer beads in order for us to remember his last advice to all of us. he cared for us enough to tell us how to come and see him in the next life, because he would not want to be without his family for all eternity.
it’s been tough dad, it really has…you worked your whole life so that your children could life comfortably and be happy. you worked until your hands were black and full or calluses so that we could just be kids and get what we wanted. but now your hands are soft and white and you no longer have to worry about us. we’re all grown up now, we all have a path to follow now, thanks to you.
i really miss you dad, i wish we could’ve had more talks, more dinners, more time. i hope i can be the man and the father you were as the days go on. i know it takes time but time without you just doesn’t seem right…i will always have an emptiness, a void that i know will never go away. but knowing that you really have reached the purelands and no longer suffering i can be happy.
Sometimes we overlook the joys in our lives. The little things that we do everyday that makes us smile and laugh. Things like being able to walk to where we wanna go, lay down and take a nap when and where we want, sit and converse with family and friends about everyday things.
I’m sitting in my pops hotel room and it’s just hard to see him not be able to enjoy these little things. I wish I could do something to take away all the pain for him so he can enjoy the little things again….but all I can do is hope he can get to enjoy all those things again.
It’s hard to see the person I’ve looked up to my whole life seem so weak and helpless, and there is nothing I can do to help. The worst part is that I don’t even know what to expect. Every day that passes is another day I can breath a sigh of relief. Everytime my phone rings and I see my sisters name my heart drops and I brace myself for what I’m about to hear. Its hard going about The day with such a big uncertainty.
I’ve gone through life with the motto “everything will ok, things will work out” but now…I can only hope that things will be ok and pray that things will work out. I’m not a praying person neither, but I find myself doing and thinking things for the first time in my life.
I have to believe there is a chance, actually I have to know there is a chance in order for me to keep my sanity.
I do believe there is a chance, and I know there is a chance!
Harry Potter is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend
- Stephen King
Some random quotes I saw on a piece of paper that I saw in a psych office…we’ve all probably seen it before but it’s always good to be reminded
“love like you’ve never been hurt”
“live like it’s heaven on earth”
“sing like no one is listening”
“dance like no one is around”
I guess the moral is to just be who you are and don’t let anything deter you from what you want. Just be happy.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.
- Jimi Hendrix (via thelvlsix)
Over the past two days my emotions has done nothing but go on a downward slide. The bad news piles on and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s hard to sit by and see what it’s like for someone to think everything will be ok, when in actuality, I know that everything is about to change. How can someone prepare themselves for this journey that no one ever wants to embark on…and how can those around make it any better. This journey will come to an end, then lives will be changed, tears will be shed, denial will begin, anger will follow, conditions and favors will be asked, numbness will make everything seem the same, then finally it’ll be time to go on….but life will never be the same for everyone.
Today I went to one of the most lavish and well done kid summer camps I have ever been to for work. It was a christian summer camp, and their whole thing was being able to find God and going to heaven. I have no problems with this, it’s my job. Besides I’m pretty open minded, I don’t deny there isn’t a God and I don’t deny there is a God. I simply believe there is a higher power that does determine our course thru life, I just don’t have a specific label. however, when in a room with all Christians discussing heaven, I was the only one to not raise my hand when asked do u all want to go to heaven. Dont get me wrong, it wasn’t cuz I dont believe there is a heaven, I do believe there is a place we go after death, I just don’t have a specific name or idea of what it is. I got asked do I not believe in god? Do I not want to be saved?
Now I have had many discussions with my very religious Christian friend about this, and he has tried to convince me I have to or should accept God. But my response to him was the same response I gave to the group,”I just simply have my own believes like u have your believes. I keep an open mind because I don’t know what is really out there, and with closed mindedness is where hatred arises. but I do believe we have to live a good life to end up in a good place.”
Faith is something that’s very sensitive to a lot people. And rightfully so, that’s what keeps a lot of people going. But don’t push it on people, like it’s the one way or no way. That’s how wars are started and hatred begins. Live your life, preach your beliefs, but allow others to live their lives and believe their beliefs.
I’ve never been one to open up about much, actually i’m usually the one people go to when they want to open up about things. I guess my wanting to help people have always been something that i really took to heart, and did everything i could to help. Whether it was just listening or a simple ride to school, i had no problems helping others.
Ever since i was a kid i learned to cope and deal with any problems my self. Rarely did i ask for help, or even want help. As i grew older i bottled more and more emotions inside, being able to push it in the back of my mind, and eventually not worry about it anymore. i always had the mentality of “why stress, everything works out in the end one way or another”. I guess i learned defensive mechanisms for myself, and thats probably how i am able to be so calm and relaxed in pretty much any situation.
But i guess 26 years of dealing with things myself, is finally catching up to me. I catch myself thinking more about stressful things, and not sure if i could handle the repercussions. Maybe it is time i learn to open up more, and not bottle things up, that stress is apart of life, and rather than pushing it aside, learn to deal with it, even if i need help from others. This is actually why i wanted to start this thing, to get myself to open up, to get myself to vent and release thoughts, ideas, anything that clouded my mind. Let’s see if i can take my own advice, and not pent things up
